Identifying Child Molesters and Pedophiles

Do you know this man?

He’s probably in his early to mid 30’s, chances are he’s Caucasian (62.1%). He is well liked, trusted, and thought very highly of. He’s most likely a close relative, friend, or even neighbor or acquaintance. He may be married or single. It’s likely that he has a job or ‘hobby’ that involves working with children. Something like teaching, coaching, babysitting, or just visits his neighbors frequently to ‘help out’ a lot.

He is a trusted friend or relative. A pillar of the community, he would never do anything ‘shady’ or inappropriate.

He might show up at a child’s birthday party uninvited and start playing party games with the kids. It would be rude to ask him to leave when the kids are having so much fun with him. After all, he’s just being friendly and helpful. He’s just good with kids. Everyone knows him and he’s a great guy.

He is unbelievably helpful. He has come to your rescue more than once and never wants anything in return. He might help with repairs around the house, or offer to watch the kids for a while so you can run errands. Maybe he even takes your kids to and from soccer practice.

He gets along great with kids. In fact, he always seems to have a group of kids around him. He knows all the latest games and videos that the kids are talking about. He often tickles or roughhouses with kids during play. He doesn’t have friends his own age and he prefers the company of children to that of adults.

All of these characteristics combined do not automatically make someone a pedophile or child molester. They do however signal a warning that you should be cautious and that they are risky to have around your children.

A pedophile or child molester will convince you he is trustworthy and a friend in order to gain access to your children to molest them. He will blur the boundaries between what is acceptable and what is not. When confronted he will go on the offensive and accuse you of harassment.

To sum it up- a child molester:

~ Is charming or helpful without wanting anything in return
~ Uses peer like play
~ Prefers the company of children to that of adults
~ Obtains insider status
~ Tickling games and roughhousing
~ Does not honor established boundaries
~ Goes on the offensive

What Do You Do Now?

So you think he might be a pedophile or child molester. What should you do now? What actions can you take to protect your children?

Adults need to recognize charming and grooming behaviors. They need to protect the children from these monsters.

Take the example of the uninvited intrusion of a child’s birthday party. By not asking him to leave, you have given him permission to repeat this behavior. This man has overstepped a boundary and he is testing you. He now knows that he can push you further. He may progress to dropping by unannounced and even expecting to walk into your home on a whim.

Don’t accept this behavior. When someone crosses a line, confront them immediately. It is not necessary to be rude, but you need to state your expectations and tell them that they must follow them. Don’t let them talk you out of this.

Someone who’s overly friendly and goes out of his way to be helpful without asking for anything in return is suspicious. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

Child molesters select the parents as much as they do the children. They chose parents who are polite, courteous, those who don’t want to speak up and who don’t counteract their attempts at manipulation. They go through a process of testing the parents to see if they will allow them access to their children.

Parents who speak up and tell the molester to stop are passed over. They know that these parents will be more difficult to charm. Don’t let anyone break the rules of accepted behavior.

Molesters use the fact that most people don’t want to confront the topic of child molestation. This works to their advantage. Most people think it could never happen to them. That’s what the molester is counting on. That’s what he uses against you. Don’t let him. No matter how likable this person is, remember that this person is a stranger- a stranger who approached you. That’s what it boils down to, plain and simple. Trust your instincts. When someone’s behavior fits the profile, you must intercede in order to protect children.

Child molesters almost always use tickling and roughhousing types of play to desensitize children to their touch and to test the parents. This behavior is done in front of parents, so it also serves another purpose. It shows the children that the molester has permission from their parents to ‘touch’ them. The molester uses this against the children in order to convince them that sexual touch has parental permission.

Molesters say that they are “always handling the kids.”

“It looks like we are just having fun, and it’s easy to move from what might appear to be appropriate contact to inappropriate contact.”

“The danger was exciting. Could I trick people and do it right in front of them? I’d carry the girl on my back and have my finger [in an inappropriate place] right in front of her parents”

Do not allow tickling, wrestling, massaging, or touching games. Ever.

Child molesters are described as being charming. They are so good at this that people don’t even realize what has happened. This is how molesters establish their pristine appearance within a community. It is essential that they do this. It protects them if anyone gets suspicious.

This charm is fake. It’s an act. Their sole purpose is to control you. You have to listen to the content and see beyond their allure. “If you tell yourself, ‘This person is trying to charm me,’ as opposed to ‘This person is charming,’ you can see around it. Most often you’ll see nothing sinister, but other times you’ll be glad you looked.” (de Becker 1999)

Close your eyes or turn away from them as they speak. This will allow you to listen to the content of what they are saying without the influence of their "charm".

Do not be confused by charm, intimidation, or justification. Don’t let others control the situation or cross the line of acceptable behavior. Learning to say “no” in a polite but assertive manner will not hinder friendships. It will, however, deter molesters. Child molesters will not waste their time on parents who refuse to accept their charm.

Read all of our articles on Grooming here.

Special thanks to Carla van Dam, PhD